How To Watch The Oscars

As Halle Berry said after winning the Academy Award for Best Actress for her performance in Monster’s Ball, “Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!” Oscar Sunday is right around the corner, and this step-by-step guide will teach you how to make Hollywood’s biggest night your finest [ten] hour[s].

  1. See all the Best Picture nomineesThere are nine this year.
  1. On second thought, just see The Artist. Unfortunately, it’s going to win Best Picture. This is unfortunate not because I have a problem with French films, but because I have a problem with gimmicks - and a silent film about talkies filmed in 4:3 that features a life-saving dog is absolutely filled with gimmicks.
  1. Never mind, don’t see The ArtistJust read its Wikipedia entry and save your eyes from all that rolling. While you’re at it, read Uggie the dog’s Wikipedia because it contains lines like “Uggie lives in North Hollywood with Von Muller, his wife, and his six-year old daughter. There are seven other dogs in the household, who all work in the film industry.”
  1. See Hugo 3D - not because it’s the best of the nominees, but because it’s the only one to which my favorite film of 2011 (the 3D trailer for Titanic’s re-release) is attached. Celine’s “youuuuuuu’re heeeeeere” comes in at just the right moment.
  1. Invite all your friends over to watch. Awards shows are not enjoyable if you’re making Meryl Streep jokes to yourself.
  1. Revise your invite to include only your friends who haven’t seen all the nominees. The last thing you want is someone whining about how Beginners should have been nominated for Best Picture, so please keep people like me at bay. We’re irritating and should be forced to watch alone.
  1. Plan themed dishes and drinks for your party. If puns disgust you, skip this step and just order pizza. If puns delight you, serve your guests items like The Brie of Life, Meatyballs, and Octavia Spritzers.
  1. Start watching E! at 1:30PM. Their coverage begins 6.5 hours before the awards because Kelly Osbourne has a lot of things to say. 75% of those things said include the word “amazing.”
  1. Ask all your guests to fill out a ballot and contribute money for an Oscar pool. Respond to questions like, “What’s the difference between sound mixing and sound editing” with silence.
  1. Daydream about being in E!’s Glam Cam 360. How would you show off your look in a way that would please Joan Rivers, Guiliana Rancic, and fans of The Matrix? Take a moment to decide, then try not to think about the Glam Cam ever again.
  1. Switch to ABC at 7:00PM/ET. After realizing that ABC doesn’t have the Glam Cam 360, switch back to E! and only return to ABC when the awards start at 8:00PM/ET.
  1. When onscreen, always applaud:
  1. Viola Davis
  2. Jessica Chastain
  3. Octavia Spencer
  4. Melissa McCarthy
  5. Old people
  1. When onscreen, always boo:
  1. “Uggie” the dog from The Artist
  2. “Joey” the horse from War Horse
  3. “Tree” the tree from The Tree of Life
  4. “Jonah Hill” the Jonah Hill from everything
  5. Chloë Moretz
  1. When onscreen, always give an uncertain yet oddly passionate stare to:
  1. Jean Dujardin
  2. Glenn Close
  1. Make at least two jokes about Anne Hathaway and James Franco’s hosting job last year. People will tell you that the jokes are played out, but they’ll be wrong. “I heard James Franco is teaching a course at NYU about how to be a terrible Oscar host,” you’ll say.
  1. Make only one joke about Billy Crystal’s face. It should be brought up, but there’s no need to completely trash the man. He’s a legend! (Sort of.)
  1. Say “What was A Better Life?” No one will respond.
  1. During one of the several dozen commercial breaks, try and make conversation with that one guy who came even though he’s “not really into movies.” Discuss politics, the weather, or how surprised you were about liking Moneyball as much as you did.
  1. Go back to your seat because the Oscars are back on and that guy was boring.
  1. Save all your applause for the end of the dead person montage. Selective applause is an insult to those who receive none, so sit on your hands until the music ends or until Whitney Houston is shown, at which point you’re obligated to go absolutely bonkers.
  1. Say “I never saw The Iron Lady. Did any of you?” No one will respond.
  1. Start groaning after realizing there’s an hour left. This groan can help you transition into related conversation topics like “They’re showing this commercial again?” and “Do you ever feel sorry for Meryl Streep?”
  1. OK FINE COMMENT ON BILL CRYSTAL’S FACE AGAIN. JUST LOOK AT IT.
  1. Ask if there’s any Brie Of Life left and then glare at that one boring guy for eating all the Brie of Life.
  1. Be extremely loud and incredibly obnoxious when The Artist wins Best Picture. Sarcasm will be your most effective method of expressing disgust. “OH REALLY? BIG SURPRISE.” This will not be your finest hour comedy-wise, but by then everyone will drunk.
  1. Calculate the winner of the Oscar poolStare down at your disappointing score and silently wonder whether or not you actually know the difference between sound editing and sound mixing. 
  1. Congratulate that one boring guy for winning the Oscar pool and give him his cash. He’ll say something like, “Haha, I just guessed.”
  1. Kick everyone out of your house and watch The Help for the fourth time. At this point you will be crying for so many reasons.