- She’s All That is my favorite movie of yours!
- Why did you make Miracle at St. Anna?
If you don’t want to pay $13 at the movies this weekend, watch a complementary title on your computer or Netflix-capable television instead. Or don’t. Or see both. Or just pop in your DVD of American Beauty after you and your frans watch Death Becomes Her and watch it with the commentary on because you all have the crazy idea that it will be funny but it’s actually still terrible so you don’t even make it past that stupid opening monologue.
Instead of Cowboys & Aliens:
Keep your feelings about Mel Gibson from barreling up your esophagus and watch Maverick. Richard Donner’s movie is long, but (for a movie about a poker tournament) better and more exciting than it has any business being. And even though there are no aliens, it does have Jodie Foster’s Alabama accent.
Instead of Crazy, Stupid, Love:
Watch Jonathan Demme’s underrated, underseen, and recently-Criterionized romantic comedy Something Wild. I’m fairly certain that Jeff Daniels and Melanie Griffith do crazier and stupider things in SW’s first act than anyone will do in CSL’s entire running time.
Instead of The Smurfs:
Watch another family movie about a creature roaming the streets of New York and trying to find its way home: the John Hughes-penned Baby’s Day Out.
Instead of The Future:
Depending on your opinion of Miranda July, either Me and You and Everyone We Know or one of the Hellraiser movies.
- A fresco!
- A ceiling fan! (I’m partial to Hunter’s Stratford model.)
- A chandelier!
Cutting the trailer for New Year’s Eve was probably an editor’s nightmare because cutting the feature-length version of New Year’s Eve was probably an editor’s nightmare. What do you do with dozens of subplots and actors who have nothing in common aside from their ability to be strung together with P!NK’s “Raise Your Glass”? You play P!NK’s “Raise Your Glass” of course.
Watching while muted (without the help of P!NK’s unifying lyrics), New Year’s Eve’s trailer is an even bigger mess, coming across as a sort of hastily edited demo video for iMovie created by using clips from the past decade of romantic comedies. “See, you can add transitions and confetti and titles like FROM DIRECTOR GARRY MARSHALL and make your very own movie trailer,” the Apple Genius will tell Martha, a retired mother of two who is about to take a long vacation with her husband and their brand new Flip Cam.
“I do love confetti and Pretty Woman,” Martha will respond. “It’s the only romcom my Joseph will watch with me!” Anyway, now that Martha has left with her brand new 17” Macbook Pro that she will only use for email, it’s time to make sense of the New Year’s Eve trailer (almost) shot by shot, because I believe it’s actually 53 different 2-minute movies that a medicated Penny Marshall directed over the phone because Garry Marshall was sleeping in his director’s chair.
OK, so it’s a movie…
Possibly a Sex and the City sequel…
Set in the beautiful city of New York…
And Josh Duhamel is dressed up for something during the holidays and looks upset for some reason…
OK, that’s the reason…
And it’s still set in New York…
And Oscar-winner Hillary Swank has lovely hair…
And god damn it, Ashton Kutcher is probably her love interest…
OK, now that we have all the characters introduced, we see that things will probably culminate in Times Square at midnight…
Oh jesus, but now there’s someone else who is possibly in love with…
Michelle Pfieffer? Or maybe Michelle is Jessica’s mother. She looks upset…
At Zac Efron? Understandable.
Pope Gelasius I? Whatever. We must be done with character introductions.
Nevermind, this is Sex and the City and Carrie is now making costumes.
Carrie has broken up with Mr. Big and is looking for a new man…
OK, so Carrie is actually now a prostitute who designs costumes.
And Lea Michelle is the wealthy businesswoman who has a thing for prostitutes with puns of gold.
OK this is starting to make sense. Ashton Kutcher is Lea’s friend who thinks all the punny prostitutes are a bad idea.
So Lisa Simpson is an old friend of…
A new beginning? Her old friend is a new beginning.
And Jessica Beil needs to find out who fathered her child! The baby is a new beginning. This could be interesting.
Oh, it was Seth Meyers. Not interesting.
Someone made a mistake!
Even more mistakes!
Mistakes that have new experiences!
Like Hillary Swank dating a rapper turned actor/rapper turned actor/rapper/cop.
As confetti falls because that’s what falls instead of rain in New York.
And Lea begins to fall for SJP.
And Ryan Seacrest narrates ALL OF IT.
Also, Halle Berry gets lost on her way to a New Year’s Eve party and ended up in a hospital…
Just as Oscar-nominee Abigail Breslin discovered eyeliner…and boys.
OK, they’re in that place in Queens were Men In Black was filmed, so this is clearly Men In Black 3 and everyone is an alien.
And Michelle Pfieffer is an alien who can fly. We’re finally making sense.
Jon Bon Jovi sings and everyone is probably really excited!
Just kidding, he sang “It’s My Life.”
THAT’S WHY JOSH DUHAMEL WAS RUNNING. He hates later Bon Jovi.
“What have I always told you? SLIPPERY WHEN WET IS THE ONLY ALBUM WORTH LISTENING TO,” says his father.
Meanwhile Hillary apologizes to Ludacris for talking shit about Crash that night last week that she drank too much White Zinfandel.
And Luda apologizes to her for putting in the DVD of The Next Karate Kid during their fight.
Oscar-winner Halle decided to ditch the party and just become a nurse that night because her career post-Monster’s Ball hasn’t really amounted to much.
And Lea Michelle accidentally kills SJP with a noisemaker…
But the death and subsequent dismemberment and burying bring she and her coworker closer together.
Then Hillary gives a formal apology for P.S. I Love You.
Which Jessica and Seth appreciated because they haaaatttted that movie and got in a huge argument picking a restaurant after seeing it that one time.
And Michelle and Zac toast to their plan to destroy the earth…
And Robert De Niro was on his way to buy a sandwich and bottle of Robitussin and just walked in front of a camera but they kept it.